There's so much unnecessary drama over there I could barf. They're all 5 years. Anyways, I kinda missed lj. Thing is, I never really got close with anyone on my friends list, always kinda drifted along. So what's up?

I'M IN LOVE WITH MAD MEN. BETTY DRAPER? YES. PETE CAMPBELL THAT LITTLE BASTARD? YES.

I feel insanely alone right now, have for a little while, well like all summer. At least at school I was there around people and had to be there and could talk to people. People don't take the time out for me the way they do for others, and it's like pulling teeth to make plans with my best friend( and i feel weird calling her that. she's says im her best friend but i never trust people.) Now I start college and I just, I feel like I won't connect with anyone because it's not like k-12, ya know? We're all different ages, lives, backgrounds, in school at least you were forced to bond with people to make it through the day, but now? Forget it. I turned to the internet for some kind of attention, any kind. I made a fan tumblr for Patrick Cassels (from collegehumor.com) because I've been obsessed with him all summer, and once I told one of the bnf about it it spread like wild fire and for a week or so I felt great, members and tumblarity went up up up everyday. My personal tumblr got more followers, some more of the bnf, and pretty soon I was following the 6 main bnf(& they're following me) and pretty much trying to find my way in. I ALWAYS feel like an outsider and like the annoying one trying to cut into everyone's already tight knit relationships, real life, internet, doesn't matter, I just do. And with these girls, they're close with the ch people, met them, been to the office, blah blah blah, and I want to be a part of them so bad. One of them already knows this and reassured me that though I'm new I'm still a part of it. Me? A part of their oh so exclusive group? I don't feel like it. I strive so hard to be funny and witty and keep talking about ch(not that that's ever a problem) but really they're so easy and care free with each other and I'm here breaking my neck. For what? I don't even know to tell you the truth. Just to say I'm one of them or that I know people who the ch people can pick out of a crowd? I guess I just want to be special to the people I'm obsessed with, and I feel like this line blurs when it comes to this whole situation. The CHTV people? Patrick? The BNFs? I dread being on the internet now, because with my patrick tumblr kind of leveling out in terms of after initial bump in popularity, and again and again losing these people's attention, my fragile ego can not take this violent up and down. My psyche will collapse in on itself if I'm letting myself think that these people give a crap when obviously I'm less than a blip on the radar. It only makes me wonder once again, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

OH GUESS WHAT



AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHES PREGGERS AND THEYRE GETTING MARRIED AND I SKDKSJDHKJSKJHSDH IM GONNA CRRRRYYYY

dlkhskjh fucking usa. I WANT RESOLUTION NOW. giving us the last episode would not have wavered my wanting more ips thanks.

K, now I'm just getting mad at mary. How the hell can she stand there and completely crush, tear apart, destroy, spit on, stomp on Marshall's heart and act like she doesn't give a shit? Her best friend, her only friend, who loves her beyond reason and goes above and beyond friendship and the job, and she's shunning him for someone who obviously doesn't know her at all? I mean fuck, if he's proposing to you in a way that he doesn't know you will HATE, DOESN'T THAT TEL YOU SOMETHING?! At least last week when she was kind of acknowledging Marshall's feelings and feeling sad/guilty about it I could sympathize, but this just makes me want to punch her. To seemingly not care about Marshall's feelings or input is beyond rude. He would give up anything for her and here she is hurting him so much deeper than I'm sure anyone has before. Where will he be next week? Crying his eyes out. Where will Raph be? idk somewhere with his head up his ass not knowing Mary at fucking ALL. I'm angry because A. Mary+Raph=unhappy forever B.Marshall+Mary=happily ever after C. we KNOW m/m will happen but we have to deal with this r/m shit for now even though everyone knows it's wrong. C. WHY THEY HAVE TO MAKE MARY SO GD MEAN TO MARSHALL WHEN IF SHE JUST THOUGHT ABOUT IT SHE WOULD REALIZE RAPH IS NOT FOR HER AND GROW THE FUCK UP AND GET WITH MARSHALL? and D. This is a tv show and I am wanting to scream about this.

Also, I wonder if Mary will cop of the marriage before, or if she'll like, be at the altar and see Marshall and go "...fuck."

The universe seems to give me little things at the best of times. Two days ago I realized, for the first time in my life, that I would actually be okay. It’d been 8 years since I cried from happiness.

I finally know what it means to say I survived sexual abuse.

oh my GOD, will I never learn my lesson? How in the hell can Cold Case come up with the most heart wrenching stories fucking EVER. It almost never fails to make me want to weep and hold the victim, especially when it's kids. The worst most heartless murderers and the most likable, naive, heart breaking victims, omg.

Few things:(Also, I'm allowed to be pretentious and elitist about my IPS and allowed to come late to the s2 fangirl game. I feel I've earned this right by bringing Fred, fangirly wise and personally(still makes me feel all happy inside when I see him on screen), to the fans. You're welcome.)

The current episode of In Plain Sight rocks my world.

It's exactly what IPS is, shitty ass story and amazing Mary/Marshall, together and alone.

Marshall cried a couple times, GAH, and infront of Mary, GAH, and helped her with Brandi when he was the one truly in ~pain~ on the way home when Mary was being a drama queen.

MARSHALL LOVES MARY, WITHOUT FAIL, WITHOUT JUDGMENT, WITHOUT A FLICKER OF DOUBT, HE LOVES THIS WOMAN. Got it? Good. Raph can go jerk off in a lion's den until Brandi comes around.

Eleanor on the other hand, not growing on me. She just idk, I don't like her.

And finally, kind of in love with Marshall again. The whole 'rain coat' thing was a lot more about him than it was Brandi, and GOOOOOOOOD I love him for it. Did someone say SHIPPY AS FUCKING HELL moment?!

Next episode is some family drama, the whole secret half-sister thing.

WHEN OH WHEN WILL MARSHALL CUDDLE MARY WHILE SHE CRIES AND FIX HER AND ALL HER WOUNDS AND MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE TO HER DOWN BY THE FIRE SIDE?! And I also want to see his casa, just...fucking because. Bitch better have a red couch.


SIGH. I miss you Freddy.

angels and demons was really good!

I was like omg ewan, then OMFG EWAN, than OMFG EWAN IS ALIVE AND HERO, then OMFG EWAN IS GONNA BE POPE, then OMFG IT WAS NOT WHO WE THOUGHT IT WAS OMG EWAN. OMFG it should've ended when ewan was parachuting in heroic like.

so...I'm graduating this year, i over came my almost crippling social anxiety enough to go back to school, saturday night I was on broadway in new york city not a block from steven pasquale, and i SCREAMED and FREAKED OUT over

PAM BEESLEY PREGNANT


EEEEEEEPPP. I have not been this excited for the office since Jim asked Pam to dinner, omfg. They really stepped up their game this season.

PS: omg the fans are such fucking whiners. it's a TV show, what did they expect? Personally, even if it isn't realistic, when Jam lives happily ever after I will be happy.

4 months until jam baby talk and 4 months until institutionalized!house. and that csi finale was weak as shit compared to last season's closer and this season's opener, or shit in general, sick of langston and sick of zomg i'm so hard and amazing riley, get fucked. Plus, way to further fuck love fans you homophobic assholes.

SOOO, back from new york yesterday and the first day was entirely bipolar. I was amazed and excited, and then miserable and cried in time square and at dinner because i just, ugh, so many things that day including no sleep and my feet hurting worse than they ever had. Anyways, we did touristy things and frankly had I not been preoccupied by my feet burning 99% of the time i'd have loved it so so much more. The best part I guess was more personal than anything we did/saw, I actually felt comfortable in my own skin. At school, at the mall, in frickin walmart I feel idk, bad about myself for any reason, and for some reason just walking down the street there I felt at ease. I guess it was because people don't stop what they're doing and judge you, it's not worth it in such a fast paced place. I loved jekyll and hyde in greenwhich village and chinatown(omg chinatown how i love thee) and kinda liked everything. I know eventually I have to go back on my own time and really experience it. It feels like a dream, even when I was there I had to take a second a few times and go "I'm in new york fucking city!"

and i lol'd a little when I noticed an area where a scene from one of my favorite episodes of criminal intent was filmed.